There are videos on social media, from a new dad’s perspective, about how the baby crying a lot and this odd notion that baby wasn’t getting fed because mama’s “milk hadn’t come in yet”. The video continues all about how he just wanted their baby to be fed and how baby’s mama wouldn’t listen to the voice of reason…you get the idea.
The problem is, he is GROSSLY misinformed about how the process of a mother nourishing their child after birth works. Which leads to the even bigger problem of that misinformation being spread further and creating issues within the new parent community when videos go viral.
You see, there is no such thing as waiting for her “milk to come in.” I know that was once said but it had nothing to do with the context it’s being used in. An expecting mom has the most amazing milk available for her newborn even before they’re even born. So let’s entertain some actual facts.
Colostrum is a mother’s first milk and it is literally referred to as “liquid gold.” Because that’s exactly what it is. It is the perfect first milk for a baby and there is literally nothing else on this planet that can replace it. Colostrum helps flush out baby’s system and helps kick it all into gear. It contains immunoglobins to boost baby’s immune system and even gives baby their first antibodies to fight illness. It helps prevent jaundice and does so much more.
It’s also worth noting here that at birth your baby’s tummy is only about the size of a cherry (holds only about 1 or maybe 2 teaspoons). Which is why they eat frequently but don’t need much per feeding the first few days.
After a few days a mother’s breast milk will transition into a more mature milk that changes with baby’s needs. Baby’s saliva combines with Montgomery glands to sense exactly what baby needs in that moment and perfectly nourishes them that way.
When babies are first born, really for their first 3 months, we call that the fourth trimester. It’s a unique period where in some ways baby is still an extension of mom. So they feel mama’s stress and anxiety, but also benefit from the mutual endorphins both can give each other.
So my second statement about these videos is this…. I’m disappointed in any partner who would go so far as to question a new mom’s ability to care for her newborn. They’re still attached and frankly, her anxiety and fear (often due to external pressures put on her) is exactly what’s leading to baby being fussy in the first place – not hunger. (Frankly, if there was a problem with feeding, the fact that she was in a hospital means she likely had access to a lactation consultant or nurses who are trained to coach new mamas to be successful.)
Instead of pushing her to do something she doesn’t want, why isn’t she being encouraged and nourished herself. She should be nurtured by her partner, bringing her water, snacks and food while she’s feeding baby. She needs lots of pillows and blankets. And she needs a cheerleader, not a skeptic or judge.
Where was her partner in that moment? Where was her friend and supporter? Why was she being challenged and questioned when her baby was only hours old? Why did anyone think they had a right to make her fear that she was already not doing something right? Why did she have an enemy instead of a friend after the work she did to grow and birth that baby?
I have 6 sons. And this is what I would tell any one of them. Dude, get over yourself, you’re not the one that grew that baby for 9 months. Your voice should not be the loudest one in the room. If your opinion is in opposition to the woman who nourished and grew that child and if you’re not going to be a support, walk away for a minute, regroup and think about your role and future. She won’t forget.
Dads are an absolutely vital part of the process. New moms need to feel supported and loved and cared for. But that’s clearly not what was happening here. Which is oh so very sad. So my response is, get educated, understand the process and know how a new mom/baby attachment works after birth, and trust that unless she’s an extremely negligent parent (highly unusual) that she has things handled.
Dads, your job after baby is born is to support mom and bond with your baby. You don’t have to be the feeding parent to do this. Your child already knows you, and knows your voice. You’re going to be a necessary part of their life. But in this moment. The first few months of baby’s existence, you’re the guy to get things done. You’re the one to nourish your partner, comfort and encourage her when she’s feeding and handle other baby and household needs.
Thing is, there will be frustrating moments for mom and possibly for dad too. Times when she’s feeling alone and insecure. Let’s find ways to encourage and nurture, not to be negative and destroy. And above all, let’s stop the madness of uneducated misinformation. There’s truly great evidence based information readily available out there, let’s focus our time on that.